omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
