I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think my moral compass just broke
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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