the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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