I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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