Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Where did you get a picture of my penis
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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