Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
