yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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