I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
