it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
