i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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