Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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