Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
