The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
