god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We had to coat check the pizza.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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