the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Help. Why am I so naked?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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