also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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