you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i drank out of a bidet.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize