Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
