gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize