Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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