Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
