yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
