she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize