I am spending my child support on dildos
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
