Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
