I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
