i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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