my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
