I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
