How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
