She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
