Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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