i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize