like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
