I think i peed on brittanys purse
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
