you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
