If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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