Having a random hookup so left but love u
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
