he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The convent might be a nice break from real life
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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