Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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