Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
