kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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