That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
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