I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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