I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
