can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
