youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
