Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
