I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
