I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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