hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
