If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
