I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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