Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
