It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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