remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
