My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
