after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
