Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
