Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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