Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
