Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
thus making me awesome and them whores
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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