PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
