I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You made out with two different species that night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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