My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
