Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
