I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
