I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
