sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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