this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
