just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
