I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
